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My Tour Hell – By Luke Walden WBOT

The day we were all waiting for... tour was upon us, and I for one was nervous...

This time it was beautiful Biarritz in South Western France. But before that, just for the sake of it, we flew into Bilbao for one night, then travelled by coach across the Spanish-French border to the Basque region. The meeting place was O'Neills in Stansted Airport (near Boots) at precisely 3pm (I was excited as I've never been to an O'Neills before...). But first we had to check-in (my worst part of flying, that's why I always go for the Beef or Vegetarian option), where we annoyed the young lady behind the counter as we tried to convince her that our 'sharp' shirts in our luggage could be classed as sharp items, and that we did actually pack our own suitcases blah-de blah-de blah.. And so tour had officially started. Rules: 1. Do not hold two drinks at the same time. 2. Do not drink right handed. To be fair, they're not particularly hard rules to stick by, but at 3:01pm I heard my first screams of "TWO DRINKS", and turned round to see the youngest man on tour, Andy Howard, just out of nappies, attempting to consume his first of two full pints of lager. That has to hurt.. although probably not as much as a litre bottle of 'real' apple juice after 2 days of tour – Joe 'Marmite' Ting (you either love him or hate him) can vouch for that... "I think I'm dying, I can't breathe".. Roomy presents were exchanged and Zantac turned out to be by far and away the most popular item – there were obviously some experienced tourists around...Nick 'Judge' Evans is a major shareholder. The flight was remarkably a standard affair; either that or I was too drunk to remember any of it.. Its ok, just 3 days left, I can do this, be strong. At the hotel, we were welcomed with a warm meal and red wine (just what we needed), and it was finally time for the moment a lot of people were waiting for; was Andy 'Best Drinker down the Club' Gardner actually the best drinker down the club. The Judge announced that at any point anyone could challenge him to a drinking contest to determine whether his pre-tour claim was in fact true. So Burto did, and although most of his red wine ended up down his white rugby jersey, Andy still didn't manage to win – let the challenges continue.. Bilbao is apparently a beautiful city with much culture and many tourist attractions, so it was refreshing that we found the only Irish bar in Spain, held arm wrestling competitions, and culminated with Keith 'The new River and really should know better' Bundock relieving himself up against the bar and Colin Morley's left leg... ...meanwhile, the naughty gang were doing whatever naughty people do, and Burto was starting fights with the locals.

Friday 28th April 2006:

Everyone was up bright and early after a busy night in Bilbao. Myself and my roomy, Rob 'Suduko' Seido (I still can't work him out), paid our first fines of the tour for being late for the coach (is a €50 fine fair for being 5 mins late??). Biarritz here we come. Some mad tourist decided to crack open a bottle of Schnapps and the bottle proceeded to make its way around the coach until Cheeky (thank god) took a swig with his right hand. Everyone could breathe a sigh of relief, and watch Cheeky with pain etched across his face polish off almost half a bottle of Schnapps at 11:00am...I bet he wished it was apple juice. Did I mention we had our first game this afternoon? Good preparation. I must admit, when I first saw the itinerary I thought it strange that we should have a big lunch just before we played our first fixture of the tour. After I had finished lunch, I thought it was absolute madness. Lunch was fantastic, as you can imagine. We drank a lot of wine at lunch, as you can imagine. I was not in a fit state to play rugby at this point, as you can imagine. So it was that I earned my largest fine for turning up late and in wrong attire for the meet to leave for the first game. Now, let me explain. I thought it would save time if I travelled to the game in full kit as I knew I was running a little late – the rest of the group didn't agree and I paid the price. The game was a bit of a blur, but I'm reliably informed that I wouldn't shut up, and gained the WBOT tag which is a hard tag to shrug off in 4 days when you're drunk for the majority of the time... They were very quick and organised...we were very slow and disorganised. I knew it was going to be a tough game when they were actually warming up (yeah, I know!) and practising line outs and backs moves and everything!...what are these people on? Our warm up involved posing for a team photo – there's only so long I can hold my breath in for a photo, and I was shattered. Only 80 minutes left!! Aprés match for me was very subdued due to the big lunch from earlier that day. I decided to hit the sack relatively early as 3 bottles of Rosé wine and a rugby match finally caught up with me...I say relatively early unless you're Little Dave who didn't managed to see midnight at any point on tour. If ever there's a man who prefers lunch to dinner, it's Little Dave.

Saturday 29th April 2006:

Saturday marked our second fixture, a mini 'vets' tournament. My attempt to shrug the WBOT tag was basically a distant memory as I suddenly realised when packing my bag for the game that I'd left my tour jersey in the hotel room back in Bilbao. I don't know if I was more upset that I knew I was going to be in for a hard time with the others, or that I'd lost a prime bit of stash that had been kindly sponsored by Patrick 'Have you got any more Sunny Delight?' Vickers. I really don't know how he managed to pay for all of it on his salary..he must have gone hungry for a month! For the record, I'd like to know if there's any other kit in the world with a bunny rabbit and the words 'Chocolate Gang' as its main sponsor. It's amazing how many interpretations 'Chocolate Gang' can take on!? My situation was made worse when Little Dave volunteered to pay my fine providing I became his 'Bitch' for the day. I had a few tears in a quiet corner...why me? And so off to the game. We had high expectations of winning this tournament as we only had a handful of playing vets on tour, and believed that our youthful squad of players should excel against their older opposition. What we didn't account for is that Team Manager for the day, Ollie Chapman, plucked Hughesie from the front row to partner Nick Evans in the centres. To ask whether there were missed tackles in midfield is like asking whether the Pope wears a white coat. In Hughesie's defence, he did touch his opponent with both hands below the waist, but the ref obviously missed this.. I in the meantime was tying up Dave's shoelaces that only a second before he'd untied himself, then rolling onto my back like a dog so that he could rub my belly...hell would have been relatively comforting at this point... To cut a long story short, we won the tournament (just), beating an over 65 team in the final by 1 try. Phew. Today's aprés match entertainment was of the highest order. The French may play hard on the pitch. They may also find an excuse when there's a war. But they do host their guests fantastically well, no denying. Wine was drunk. Friends were made. Mussels were eaten. Mini Wicks brought gay dancing to a new level, songs were sung, and Marmite walked towards the coach with two French wives on either arm. Highlights of the day? Although he may only see the funny side of it now, Suduko breaking his €100 sunglasses approximately 3 hours after buying them, then seeing him walk off in a strop. Stu Keelan buying his roomy Suduko's tour shirt in an auction, which we all thought was a bit harsh, until he showed his real reason for buying it and handing the shirt back to Suduko (BBOT?). Seeing Tom 'Steffi' Burkett getting chinned by some old French bloke. And for me that the day actually ended..

Sunday 30th April 2006:

And so for the tour's most drunk day. Wine tasting. Lunch. Court session. Beach side drinking. Dinner. What more could you ask for?? Sunshine?....yep, we had that too. The wine tasting was a relatively quiet affair, as tourists were still trying to overcome the previous night's hangover. As was said earlier, Marmite opted for the homemade apple juice as he was probably the one suffering the most. No-one likes to see a man suffer, but I think even the ever sympathetic Clive Corlett had a sneaky grin at seeing Marmite get caught with a whole bottle of apple juice. 'Next' Marmite, and thank god I've only got a swig of wine left in my glass..did anyone bring any Zantac along?....bugger. He really was in a bad way....no, I mean, really bad. When he said he couldn't breathe, I did momentarily come out of my drunken haze, and was ready to put my First Aid course that I learnt at school into practice. It turned out a quick sicky sicky, and a visit to the lavatories was all that was needed, bless..I think he was just nervous at the prospect of his virgin tour drink. The court session was held in the restaurant where we had lunch. Now I think it's fair to say the least said about this the better, as some people are still traumatised from seeing Hughesie in nothing but an undersized sweetie lined thong. I mean that is bad, granted, but what people really don't want to remember is why there were only half the sweets left on the thong at the end...like I said, the least spoken the better. All you need to really know, is that all the virgin tourists including Charlie 'I think I've got a magic glass because the drink won't go away' Clay, performed admirably. Gav 'Mini Gommers' Counsell had to wear a nappy for the rest of the day, and Hughesie was the most drunk man in France. Back to the hotel, and I sensibly grabbed an hours sleep, and met up with the others at a beach bar. The others hadn't been so sensible, and Mini Gommers was still in his nappy looking a damn sight worst for wear. Hughesie was still the most drunk man in France, and I wondered how I was still WBOT with all this going on... I always say that the first and last nights of tour should be the 'heaviest'. This last night on tour didn't disappoint. We overran one bar where The Judge concocted his own cocktail, Brown Mumba (recipe to be found on Teletext 123), which finally destroyed the ever reliable Clive 'Pig' Reffell who walked out of one door to go back to the hotel, only to find himself walk back through the other door of the bar and not quite understand where he went wrong. Steffi had set up a 'Two Drink Table' assault course towards the toilets preying on unsuspecting victims, and Haggis and Burto were still arm wrestling probably trying to settle a playground dispute from when they were 15. But the worst was still to come. Jon 'JC' Cooney claimed that he could out do anyone at 'Knuckles'. 'Knuckles' being where two idiots whack eachothers knuckles until one competitor wimps away – this game was obviously invented by cavemen, and is probably still a great past-time for football fans. JC turned out to be right, he was the best, and the person who suffered most from this was Kev 'Le Tils' Tilson who walked away with a suspected broken wrist...ergh. Hughesie was still the most drunk man in France, and one by one, the 'beach drinking team' were wilting. I ended the night / morning in a random late drinking establishment with The Judge, Towner and Suduko until 6am!!....like I said, the first and last nights should be the heaviest!! The night culminated in the four of us 'walking down the street', and getting 'the funniest looks from everyone we met' and making breakfast before bed, great.

Monday 1st April 2006:

And so home time. A time no-one ever really likes when they're away. But when you've been on tour, home time is always very comforting. We were back in Stansted and tour had officially ended. For those with wives and girlfriends, it's a good time have a cuddle and be reassured that everything will be ok. For those that are single, it's nice to find the nearest couch, order Dominos pizza and watch The Goonies for the 100th time. No more 'two drinks'. No more 'left handed drinking only'. No more 'next'. No more arm wrestling. No more long lunches. No more having to buy your own clothes back that you left on the coach. No more broken sunglasses. No more gay dancing. No more Apple Juice. No more naked Hughesies. No more nappies. No more Brown Mumbas. No more knuckles. ...god I love tour. I miss it already. Thanks to all those that gave up a lot of their own time to make this tour happen.

Date: Tue 5th Sep, 2006Author: Luke Walden

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